Update To Our Crazy Little World

I have been seriously slacking in the blogging department. Maybe because when I started this blog I thought it would be mostly about the funny things that we deal with when trying to blend a family. Or maybe because I didn’t think things would turn out like they are.

After having had 2 step-weekends in a row and working out of town for 50+ hours a week, I was soooo looking forward to spending some quality time with King this past weekend. We planned our whole weekend and even though alot of it included regular old errands (finish our baby registry, get a hair cut, etc.) we were both excited about it. We went to a nice dinner on Friday night and had just gotten home when King received a frantic call from his ex-MIL.

This weekend was the X’s weekend but Happy had texted ex-MIL asking her to please please please come pick her up because her mom was drunk again and she was scared. Ex-MIL and ex-FIL are apparently fighting with X and she told them she would not give them the girls if they came to pick them up. Apparently she was more than willing to give them to King for whatever reason so at 11pm he gets out of bed to go get them. By the time he gets back it’s 1am (X lives 1 hour away) and I wake up to him making them something to eat before bed since she didn’t bother to give them dinner.

Once he is back in bed he tells me that ex-MIL had been covering for X for a long time. She has gone to pick up or drop off or visit the girls, only to find X passed out on the lawn or locked in her bedroom with the girls sitting in front of the tv. She said ex-FIL got into a huge argument with X in which he called her an unfit mother and an alcoholic. Ex-MIL then tells King that she wants him to take custody of the girls or to help her get custody so that they are not with their mother any more.

Right now, the plan is to take temporary custody of Happy since she is the only one currently living with ex-MIL and then go for the other girls in X’s care. A friend of mine works in Child Protective Services and told us that we need to start making a police report every time she is passed out drunk with her kids in her home so that her alcoholism is documented since alcoholism is so hard to prove. King is going to try and have a conversation with X, but assuming she is a mentally unstable alcoholic it will be interesting to see the results of this discussion.

On Monday Ex-MIL called King again to discuss an action plan. King told her that she needs to start calling CPS on X when she knows something is going on and filing a police report and ex-MIL agreed to comply. At least in this manner, X will be somewhat kept in check and there will be documented proof of her neglect.

Ex-MIL also told King that there is never any food in X’s house and that Grumpy goes around picking up all the wine bottles herself because there are so many. She also told King that X has been calling Happy fat, telling her she can’t have cake, etc. because she is too fat. Now Happy is a little overweight, but in my opinion that is X’s fault. She doesn’t have her in any activities and only feeds them junk food when she does decide to feed them.

This breaks my heart. How can someone be so cruel to their own children? What kind of person is this? I couldn’t imagine treating my children this way. Between ex-MIL and the SD’s all covering for X, King and I only knew what they were telling us since we only have them every other weekend. Now that everything is coming to light, King and I can’t justify not pursuing custody at this point. I suppose we should have suspected she had gotten worse considering that lately even Dopey, who used to always cry for her mother, doesn’t want to go back home at the end of the weekend.

The plan right now is to take custody of Happy after this school year (she is staying with ex-MIL at the moment and don’t want her to change schools again). After that we will need a strategy to get Dopey and Grumpy out of there, but we are taking it one step at a time.

In Other Stepmonster News…

So last week the girls’ mother fired her nanny. Apparently the nanny had the nerve to confront her about her drinking and the Witch decided she didn’t need a nanny after all (which I could have told her before she hired her).

So what does the Witch do with all that extra money now that she isn’t spending her entire CS check on an unnecessary nanny? She buys Grumpy (SD11) an iPhone. Yup. A brand new iPhone for an 11 year old. Please keep in mind that this is the same Witch who is way behind on all her bills to the point that all her services were shut off not even a month ago.

I don’t care that the Witch can’t manage her money (well I care a little since her little spending sprees are coming out of our pocket but whatever). What I care about is she didn’t buy Happy (SD9stb10) one…on purpose. The Witch sent Happy to live with her grandmother in December and now the Witch wants her back (according to my FB snooping). Understandably Happy does not want to move back with her mother who basically kicked her out. So the Witch’s plan is to bribe Happy with a new iPhone in order to get her to move back home. Until then Grumpy will be showing off and making Happy feel bad and the Witch will be relishing in the fact that her plan is working. Not to mention the King found this all out at 10:30pm last night from Grumpy who probably should have been in bed considering it was a school night.

The King is at a loss. He has begun work on the custody modification but in reality knows that we haven’t settled in our marriage yet and that a new baby will really throw us for a loop. Bringing three unruly girls to live with us full time at this point would definitely strain our marriage, but how long do we let this awesome parenting go on? Why can’t the evil Witch just be a regular mom who takes care of her kids without all the drama??

New Rules

I try not to post when I have nothing nice to say, especially if it has anything to do with the steps’ mother. Also, I am pretty sure being pregnant puts me into a hormonal resentful rage more often than normal, which does not make for amusing posts.

Anyhow, last weekend, I had a serious mental breakdown about how sad I was that my baby is not the King’s first baby, that he had gone through all this before with his evil ex-wife, that he already had and treated his grown ass kids as babies. I tried to disengage and just go to my mom’s for the weekend but King thinks I am abandoning him and insists that I sit around and watch the madness unfold.

In the end King and I had a long talk about how I feel like I am second class family during step weekends and how we can correct it. King is firm on not wanting me to disengage. He said it feels like I am abandoning him and that I am not trying. In response, I let him know that if he does not want me to disengage (or stab myself with a fork in the eye), things have to change.

During our discussion I realized some common occurrences during step weekends that drive me insane. Namely, I HATE that our weekends are completely disrupted and the chaos that ensues. I HATE that these weekends revolve solely around what they want to do, what they want to eat, where they want to go, what they want to watch, etc. I understand he only gets them EOWe and that it’s not much time, but under no circumstance should a child feel like a red carpet is rolled out for their visits. At least not if I am going to be forced to “engage.” Lastly, I HATE having to compete for my husband when they are there. I can’t even have a conversation with him without them constantly being at his side, sitting on his lap, yelling “daddydaddydaddy!” every 5 seconds. Hell, he can’t even go to the bathroom without them freaking out!

So we made a plan:
1) Being pregnant I am weird about food. I am constantly hungry, yet oddly picky. I cannot eat pizza or chicken nuggets for every meal and get very cranky when I don’t eat. Therefore, we will do all of our weekend grocery shopping and meal planning on Thursdays before they come over on Fridays.

2) We will plan out our weekend on Thursday as well. This includes any activities that we plan on doing with the kids, as well as any errands that we may have to run. This way our weekends alone together are not just spent catching up on things we need to do because all we did was jack around the weekend before.

3) When the kids are with us, they will take showers before going to bed each night. When we plan activities, I am the only one apparently who knows how to read a clock and has any concept of time and I end up stressing out trying to get everyone out the door because no one wants to shower first.

4) Sunday morning is clean up time. Steps complain that I make them do chores when they are having fun. Well, that’s all the time. So from now on they must pick up their room and bathroom Sundays after breakfast. It’s amazing how disgusting their rooms get after only 2 nights with us. I mean, they’re girls! How can girls destroy an entire floor of a home in 2 nights???

Anyway, that’s all I have for now. Anyone have any rules in their house that they think we should add? Anyone have any idea how to get them to be more independent and not rely on the King for their constant entertainment?

A Sudden Turn of Events

Here’s a little background for you guys:

King and the XW divorced about 5 years ago. She left him and moved herself and the steps 2 hours away to live with her parents. She lived there with them for about 2-3 years unemployed until she decided to get a job teaching in another county. XW ups and leaves the girls with her parents while she moves to this county about 30 min away to live and work. The girls end up in the grandparents’ care b/c she made these plans without King’s knowledge. He assumes she is still living there and finds out halfway during the school year she is only seeing them every other weekend as well.

At this point, he confronts her and she tells him that she has a job lined up in yet ANOTHER county halfway between grandma’s home and our home and that this time she is taking the kids with her. During this entire time King is still paying her and exorbitant amount of child support garnished from his wages and even had it increased, all while the children were never in her care or while she was living rent free with her parents. Since she was planning on moving the girls with her and he got royally screwed during the divorce he decides not to fight it and to let it play out.

Now that you are up-to-date, here are the most recent events:

The girls have now been with XW since August of this year. She decided to use her CS to hire a nanny who’s monthly salary is more than what she receives. Since then she has been hounding King that she needs more money. The girls most certainly do not need a nanny since Grumpy and Happy are in school all day and Dopey could be put into child care for under $800/month in their town. XW is a teacher but most nights does not get home until 6 or 7 and then drinks and smokes until she passes out every night. We have heard this from both the girls and the nanny separately.

Yesterday Happy calls King (they talk almost daily) and tells him that they are going back to live with grandma next school year. King asks her why she says that and she replied “mommy says she can’t handle us.” She wasn’t being dramatic or poor me, but just very matter-of-fact. Ordinarily I wouldn’t think twice about it or think she is being dramatic, except that its true. She can’t handle them. She hasn’t spent a weekend with them in months (on her weekends she drops them at grandma’s). She hates doing things with them or for them. But she sure as hell loves that CS check.

Being that their grandparents are not their parents, King has decided that we will be going to court over this for custody of them. And honestly, I don’t see why we wouldn’t win. We are more than capable of having them, we’re more stable, we can provide for them without CS (although her paying us would be sweet revenge). I am so worried though. I don’t know if we are ready for this. They aren’t terrible kids, just loud and annoying and attention-deprived. And spoiled from living with grandma and grandpa for so long. I know it’s in their best interest but will I be able to handle having them ALL the time?? Now that it could become a reality, this is all a tad bit overwhelming. 

It’s A…

Remember a long long time ago when I used to blog on a semi-regular basis and had nothing to write about so I wrote about this book I read on how to sway your chances of getting preggo with a boy vs. a girl? And remember when I told y’all that there was a ridiculous amount of estrogen in my house and I couldn’t take it anymore? Well, guess what. It worked. I’m having a boy!

We are so excited and I can’t stop asking people if they want to see pics of my baby’s penis. 

And It Starts…

So, the SD’s are already jealous of the baby who is still in my womb. King and I bought a crib and changing table off of eBay and Craigslist and painted the nursery a couple weeks ago. We also helped the girls fix up their room, bought them new bedding, ran cable to their tv, etc. Their reaction?

“Daddy, how come the baby gets a crib? We didn’t get a crib!”

Um, they’re 9 and 11 years old. They each have a full sized bed at our house (at their mom’s they sleep on twin mattresses on the floor). I am sure when they were babies they had a crib. But that is besides the point. They are seriously jealous that we bought the baby a secondhand crib off of Craigslist. They are also jealous that I elected to buy a $10 can of paint from Walmart and paint the baby’s room, which was previously a puke green color and have been harping on the King now to paint their room. Which would be fine except we are renting this house. I painted the baby’s room from puke green to a soft gray. They want to paint their room from beige to neon blue. We have lived in this house for 8 months and this is the first they have mentioned painting. I am all about making sure they are comfortable for the every other weekend that they are here. This is why they have an entire floor of the house to themselves, their big beds and new bedding. But I feel like they just want to paint the room because they are jealous of the baby who is still in utero.

When they saw that I framed my baby’s sonogram picture, they asked DH how come he doesn’t have their sonogram pictures. They seem to think everything that the baby has that they don’t is somehow their father’s fault and that he is to blame. I want so badly for him to explain to them that they and the baby have different mommy’s! It’s like I can’t do anything for my baby without getting some sort of guilt trip from them. This is my first baby and I feel so resentful, like they are taking away from the joy that I am supposed to be feeling. I know they are young and have to come to terms that their dad is having another kid, but I just hate that I can’t even buy a crib without them needing to be at the center of attention. End rant.

Update to The Electra Complex

So the King and I had a good discussion yesterday about Happy. He not only agrees that she is expressing her need for attention in an unhealthy way, but that he needs to do something about it. I offered the suggestion of having Daddy-Daughter dates with her, but that on these dates, he needs to make sure he sticks to his guns on the inappropriate behavior. (I worry that once she gets her daddy alone she will want to sit in his lap at a restaurant, lay all over him, asking for piggy back rides, etc. and his guard will be down because he won’t be as self-conscious about it when I’m not around. Thereby just be reinforcing that this is acceptable behavior!) And just when I think I have overstepped my bounds and insulted him by making such an obvious point, he says to me, “But what am I supposed to say when she starts doing it? I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Maybe it will just correct itself.” Heavy sigh.

In other news, today is the last day of my 20’s. I turn 30 tomorrow and I have made an important observation:

Being pregnant and 30 makes me boring.  I mean, it makes sense. In place of all that time I spent drinking wine, now I am into sewing, and decorating for Christmas, and making homemade Christmas gifts, and new cookie recipes. These are all things that I used to make fun of people for talking about. For instance, I knew a girl once who only talked about her wedding and baking and other boring things? And I was all, shut up, you’re so boring. That’s me now. And I’m okay with that.

The Stepmonster

The Electra Complex

I’ve figured it out. I’m about 99% sure Happy has some variation of the Electra complex. It makes perfect sense now. I really noticed it this past weekend.

The steps were adamant on watching scary movies this weekend so King and I made a camp area in the living room so that they wouldn’t be scared at night. The plan was for King and I to share the couch, Grumpy to sleep on the love seat and Happy to take the chaise lounge. Well the chaise lounge was not close enough to Daddy so Happy made her way to the floor right below the couch. Fine whatever. After everyone fell asleep I got up and went to the bed. Since the pregnancy, I’m prone to back aches fairly easily. In the morning Happy discovers I left the apparent coveted spot next to her daddy and complains all morning that she had to sleep on the floor when she could have slept with her daddy.

The next night, the steps want to camp out again. While they are watching movies, I decide to change Dopey’s earrings out while she slept since we bought her some new ones but she hates people touching her ears. I come back and see Happy has reclaimed her seat next to daddy complete with splaying her legs all over him. I send her back to her spot and sit next to my husband. Same thing happens, everyone falls asleep and I go to my bed. In the morning I find Happy playing little spoon and King playing big spoon on the couch. Then she looks at me and says “he’s MY daddy.” Oh hell no. I tell King I’m going to start breakfast and he gets up to help. Happy can’t stand to see us doing anything, even cooking, together and starts shouting “I wanna help daddy!” Fine. Help your daddy. I go to my room to read.

King comes to check on me and I tell him how weird it is for me to see Happy sitting on his lap, spooning with him, etc. I am not jealous, but it is weird to have a little mini-wife in the same house. He appears to have an epiphany and agrees that it is a bit strange. The rest of the day I can see him getting kind of weirded out when Happy tries to sit in his lap, wedge herself between us, call her daddy to push her on the swing (despite the fact that her sisters are managing just fine), LAYS HER HEAD IN HIS LAP at a restaurant during lunch, and finally asks him for an old shirt that he’s worn and that smells like him to take back to her mom’s.

I thought it was all in my head but seeing King notice it made it more real. Now that he has acknowledged her odd behavior though he wants to correct it but we don’t know how. Anyone else have this issue? I’m thankful he recognizes its a problem but if we don’t figure out how to fix it it will just continue to be a strain on our relationship. I’m sure she will eventually grow out of it, but I think it is not a healthy way to express her feelings in the mean time.

The Stepmonster

A Call To Arms

I know that alot of kids have it alot worse, but I have decided I cannot be part of a family that treats children this way and not do anything about it. Let me back up.

the Ex has put the final nail in her coffin for me (this is me being Halloweenie). Last weekend was our scheduled visitation but she decided that she would take them to her parents house instead, who live 2.5 hours away from us. King, being the nonconfrontational, not wanting to ruffle the Ex’s feathers, person he is told her that was fine. Fast forward to this weekend, the kids miss their dad. Of course. They guilt him into picking them up for the day on Sunday. So off he goes to pick them up. When he has been gone for about 3 hours (Ex lives about 1 hour away), I call him to find out what’s the hold up. Apparently Ex dropped the SD’s off AGAIN with her parents. On her weekend. Which is where they were the weekend before we had them last. This means that Ex has not spent a weekend with her kids in at least 6 weeks (which is when I started counting).

On top of that, the kids keep having lice outbreaks. I understand those suckers are hard to get rid of, but not only will she pretend to not notice that they have it and continue to send them to school, when she finally does treat it, she doesn’t do it properly (i.e., wash all the bedding and clothing in hot water, pick out the nits, bag up all the stuffed animals and pillows), so it keeps coming back over and over. I had lice once when I was about 6. My mother was mortified and would spend hours upon hours combing through my hair making sure I was cleared.

On top of this, SD9 told King that she feels “neglected” by Ex and that her maternal grandmother and nanny agrees with her. That Ex comes home from work late (she’s a teacher) then drinks until she passes out.

To me it sounds like she doesn’t even want to be a mother and it breaks my heart. No child should ever feel unwanted by their parent. You would think it would be easy then to get custody since she doesn’t want them anyway, but she is a greedy one that would rather cut off her own arm then give up that hefty child support check.

The only way we can get custody of these kids would be if they decided to come live with us. I don’t want to split up the sisters and one of them is basically already on board. SD11 is very loyal to her mother though. Would it be terrible of me to start planting seeds in their heads (I wish you guys lived with us all the time; It would be cool if you were here enough to play sports on a team, etc)? Or if maybe their is another tactic we should utilize? I already know that this isn’t enough to get a court to turn over custody.

I know that this is the ultimate definition of PAS’ing but I really do believe they would be better off with us. I don’t want them to hate their mother or anything, but I really think that she is not being the best mother she can be and needs help (she is manic depressive and has bi-polar disorder). And before you think that us taking away her children would send her down a spiral, keep in mind last school year she lived with her parents during the summer and enrolled her kids in a school in their district, then got a job (and an apartment) an hour away and left her kids to live with their grandparents for the entire school year.

I know I have had my issues with them, but it seems to me the root of the problem is that these kids have never been properly disciplined. They have no structure. They live during the week primarily with a nanny, then get bounced from fun daddy weekends to spoiled grandparent weekends. What would you do in this sitch?

Help.

Calm Before The Storm

The King and I got a reprieve from the steps this past weekend. For those of you who don’t know, we get them EOWe, which directly correlates with how often the King and I get into an argument. We were supposed to get them Friday but the ex-Queen informed us that the stepchild formerly known as Happy (SD9) had a sleepover and that Grumpy (SD11) and Dopey (SD4) wanted to spend the weekend with her parents.

First, this is complete BS. The steps spend every weekend they are not with us with her parents. Second, I am willing to bet that there are ulterior motives involved. Here are my thoughts:

1) Happy’s sleepover was most likely a block away from her parents’ home and she was too lazy to drive the hour and a half back to drop the rest of the steps with us. Or
2) She is looking to switch weekends with us so that we actually have them next weekend.

I already told the King that she didn’t give us the option, plus we made plans for this next weekend that do not involve them. I also looked at the ex-Queen’s FB page and noticed that she has plans to go out on Friday night (for the record, we are NOT friends. I checked Happy’s FB page). I just KNOW she will be pulling the switcharoo on us and the King will be too scared to put his foot down. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily dread them coming over anymore, but I just hate that the EX has the ability to dictate our weekends because the King would rather not get into a confrontation. He completely doesn’t see the point and is always willing to get them when she offers. And although I thought I had been getting along with them better, the last time they were here, Happy was a complete brat and I had my fill of her. I don’t understand how three little girls can come from the same family, two of them be perfectly nice and normal, and one of them be a spoiled, entitled, whiny brat. As a refresher, Happy, who I normally spend alot of time with (help her play with her hair, take her to the store with me, bake cookies with her, play games with her) informed DH that I am mean to her and that she wishes he had never married me. As you can tell I’m SOOOOO excited to see her again.

As a side note, I have been feeling down ever since the last time they visited and this incident occurred, which is why I hadn’t been blogging. But then I remembered by mission when I started this blog: to be a no-holds barred view of my life as a stepmother. I also try very hard not to talk about the Ex. I hate the fact that someone I have zero direct contact with is able to control so much of what I feel and can dictate how we spend our time. I sincerely had no major issues with Happy before this incident. She was spoiled and self-centered but also had good qualities. Now all I can think of is how she completely threw me under the bus and the King didn’t have my back. He still maintains his stance that she is a sensitive little girl having a hard time adjusting and that I am being too hard on her, which just makes me resent the both of them more. He has agreed to read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin so that he can see more of what I am going through but has yet to open the book. I feel like I am letting this consume my life and don’t know what else to do about it.

The Stepmonster